Biblebell's Clean Humor - 1st Quarter 2003 Navigate

A woman brought a very limp parrot to a vet. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something!" The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. He returned a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out. A few moments later the vet returned with a cat. The cat jumped up on the examining table and sniffed delicately at the parrot. Then the cat sat back, shook its head sadly, meowed, and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" she cried. "$250 just to tell me my bird is dead?" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20. BUT -- what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan -- it comes to $250."

Little Timmy came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

What kids have learned about life... No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair If your sister hits you, don't hit her back -- they always catch the second person Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato You can't trust dogs to watch your food Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap

What parents have learned about life... Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

What grandparents have learned about life... Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional Forget the health food -- I need all the preservatives I can get When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone Wrinkles don't hurt

Hello...Welcome to the Police 9-1-1 Hotline... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 If you are a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5, and 6 If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will tell you what to do If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you push -- it will be wrong anyway

Fred, George, and Mike die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven -- don't step on the ducks." So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, Fred accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says to Fred: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, George steps accidentally on a duck. Along comes St. Peter, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains George to her and says, "This is what you deserve for stepping on that poor little duck." Mike has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. Mike manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. Mike remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Church marquee signs... The best vitamin for a Christian is B1. Under same management for over 2000 years! Soul food served here. Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk! Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case. Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours? Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due. Walmart isn't the only saving place! Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible. It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees. What part of "Thou Shalt Not" don't you understand? A clear conscience makes for a soft pillow. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive. Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings. Christians, keep the faith...but not from others! Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies. To belittle is to be little. God answers knee-mail. Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

Conventional wisdom tells us that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in the Government, scientifically advanced strategies are often employed, such as... Buying a stronger whip Changing riders Appointing a committee to study the horse Visiting other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included Reclassifying the dead horse as *living impaired* Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan developed the fast foods industry. And fast foods brought forth the 99 cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to man,"You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained pounds. And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplastys, and stents. And Satan established HMOs...

Truths and principles for better living... Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. Never lick a steak knife. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you were there for the conception (and even then it's risky) or can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that -- deep down inside -- we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. The main goal of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) Your friends will love you anyway. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. Learn to pick your battles; choose those that are big enough to matter but small enough to win. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! And finally -- be really nice to your family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Little Kiana was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't He?"

We take you now to the Oval Office... Condi Rice enters to brief President Bush on foreign affairs -- George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" She said, "Yes." "Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes." Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that he asked his final question,"Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"

Mahatma Gandhi was a very spiritual man who would walk barefoot for miles helping the poor. Such was the extent of his walking that he developed exceptionally hard skin on the soles of his feet. This walking, coupled with other exertions, often left him in a very weakened state, but nonetheless he remained able to perform his clerical and spiritual duties, administering mystical remedies to the poor and sick. However one disability that depressed him greatly was his renowned bad breath, brought on by a combination of over-exertion, poor hygiene and a bad diet. It was these factors that led some historians to describe him as a "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!

He is an agnostic polytheistic pagan. He doubts the existence of many gods.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together... but the calf won't get much sleep.

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